Friday, July 22, 2011

Easy There, Kid.

Today, I was eating my lunch when I watched a father and son head for the exit after they had finished their meal. The son following close behind his father as he opened the door and stepped out. The dad had the remainder of their meal in one hand and held the door open with the other. The kid,  clutching a child's cup with straw, walked out underneath his father's arm, took a couple of steps, and waited for his father. It was at that point that I was reminded that I couldn't wait to be a dad.

I always knew I wanted to have kids and have been looking forward to it since my early 20's. Don't think for a second that I was out there trying to become one, though. If there's one thing I know for certain it's that I am not ready to be one just yet. I'm only 27 and as most of the people I work with keep reminding me, "oh you're only a kid." For that, I am completely grateful.

There is no way that I'm financially stable at this point in my life. I'm not sure how I'd fair with having to support a child. The choices I've made for myself have been less than spectacular for it. Then I remember how an acquaintance had shared the story of when his son was born. 

He looked down at him, laying in the hospital nursery, and questioned how he would ever support this child. Within the blink of an eye, he told me about how at that moment he realized he would do absolutely everything he could for his son. He even called himself a dummy and realized that he would no longer be living for himself.

I look back at that story and ask myself if I would be like that? I try to come up with excuses that I'm not ready and that I already live a selfless life. I'm sure if you ask my friends, some of them can tell you stories of how I thought of others before myself. But, that's not the answer I come to.

No matter how many times I ask myself and scenarios I run in my head, I always come to one conclusion. It will all change when my kid arrives. No matter what, everything I know and how I think will be turned upside down once I know there is a part of me that is living in this world and I have to do absolutely everything I can to love and care for them. That's what I look forward to most. It will go far deeper than just holding a door open. It won't stop until my last dying breathe.

But first, I need to find the mom.

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