Take A Number, Please.

It's a bit weird when you run into a friend's ex-girlfriend. I like to think that I'd say hi when I see them, but the truth is that I'll only do it when I know for certain that they've seen me. Even then, I say hi very softly just in case I actually slipped passed their vision. Let's face it, though. I'm not very hard to miss.

So, we end up exchanging as few words as possible, at least on my side. I try to not let things go passed "hi", unless I really got along with the girl. But when it's your friend's brother's ex (did you follow that?), I won't even say anything.

And oh boy is it fun when they're out with another guy! In the back of my head, all I'm thinking is "haha! You're the idiot who came after my friend." 9 times out of 10, the girl is completely crazy and good on your friend for getting out of that circus they called a relationship. Then there's the 1 time that you know your friend is still at home and crying his eyes out after reruns of Scrubs. Great show, by the way.

Seeing as I've had the fewest exes of all my friends, I wonder what my friends will think of my future ex-girlfriend. Hopefully, they'll treat her with the respect that she probably deserves and the dignity every human should receive. This is all just in the moment, of course. We'll drag her name through the mud later, the bitch.

I'm Just a Big Fatty

Let's take a second and discuss how finding someone attractive works? OK, I really don't want to discuss the science behind it. I just want some answers as to why certain guys, who I think are awesome, are still waiting for the right girl. Then I see dudes with some of the cutest girls I've seen on this earth, well, this island, and wonder what those girls could possibly see in them. 

Now, I know there's a ton of "relationship" advice out there in the world, and God knows that I don't want to add more on to that steaming pile heap, but what gives? I may be speaking personally here, but I'm sure a lot of readers might be feeling the same thing. There's also the possibility that girls might be switching the roles here and asking the very same question.

For a while, I've come to terms that in order to attract the type of girl I want, I need to make myself attractive to them. I don't mean by changing who I am, just that I could stand to lose a few pounds. No, no, please. I can hear your protests already, but I assure you, I could do without the extra weight. Heck, the main reason is my health and the (inevitable) girls would be a bonus.

What it boils down to is that I'd be healthier and would allow me to do things I have wanted to do. This in turn would make me happier. But, what about the other guys that I know who have no need to lose weight? Is there something they feel they could do about themselves also? What about the Ryan Goslings of this world who are normal, everyday guys? Where do they fit into this? Why hasn't my question been answered? Am I being delusional in thinking that girls would automatically come crashing at my feet when I lose weight? Is there even an answer to these stupid questions?

Anyone Seen My Lucille Ball Around?

Whitney Cummings. Holy crap is that girl hot. Am I right? Maybe I'm wrong and maybe you're stupid, but we're not getting into that. 

For a while I've always thought that the funny, cute girl was a thing of legend, and in a way she still is. Just because Whitney Cummings exists and is evidence that a girl can be both cute and funny doesn't really make it a reality to me. I guess I'm going to be a bit of a skeptic until I see one right in front of me.

When I decided to get back into the dating game, I made a decision that I wouldn't settle for anything less than a girl with a great sense of humor and who was very nice to look at. Well, it's been about six years and we're still scoreless. I'm not really asking for much, am I? 

Then I got to thinking that maybe they just don't exist in my age group. Somehow, the funny cute girl gene never made it out of the 70's and I must mourn its loss. But that's not true! Freaking Miss "Hot Damn" Cummings was born a year before me. There's also the girlfriends of the co-hosts of The Nerdist Podcast. Those guys are about my age and have hilarious girlfriends. This means the gene has survived but is laying quite dormant. 

Well, wake up, damn it! The (good) male population could really use you. We're starting to lose hope in women and it ain't looking any better. But, I guess we'll have to wait. Maybe they're waiting at the finish line for the good guys who finish last. Preferably a redhead?